Homes are not hotels

Be a better house guest this summer

My grandma’s casual weekend card parties with beer, mixed nuts, and hours of trash talk taught me the beauty of a life centered around sharing space. As a daughter of the old, black south, she seemed perpetually ready to receive guests at a moment’s notice. There was always a pot of something savory that could be transformed into a satisfying meal should someone stop by needing one. The beds were ALWAYS made. A longtime career as a housekeeper meant that the corners were squared on the top sheet when you pulled back the quilts on any bed in her house. Her home, while meager in size and composition, was always kept.

There are few kindnesses greater than being personally invited into a person’s home for an extended stay. For people who have small children, you should consider this kind of invitation even more noteworthy because it really means the inviter views you, the invitee, more like family than a friend.

Much is written about the best places to stay for your vacation abroad, the must-see sights, and top travel accessories to lighten your load during transit. But little is written about how to make others comfortable during overnight stays in private homes. Ina told you what to bring when invited to dinner at hers. If you’re going to Meghan’s you can expect homemade bath salts and to be greeted with your favorite coffee order (that her assistants will have certainly gathered before your arrival).

But if you’re not lucky enough to have a multi-millionaire duchess or Hamptons doyenne as friends that will invite you “to summer” at their homes, then it’s likely you may be invited for stays at friends’ places that are a lot less grand. In a best-case scenario, a friend who’s invited you has the support of an attentive spouse or partner and a few kind neighbors. In a different scenario, you might be invited to a home where the maintenance and care of a home falls on the sole person who lives there. Either way, here are some kind reminders for making your stay at someone’s home more pleasant for everyone.

Cleanliness is next to friendliness

I know there are exceptions, but in most cases when you, as a guest arrive at a friend’s home, preparations have been made (well) in advance of your arrival. Sheets have been laundered, floors swept and vacuumed, a cute welcome note with the wifi name and password has been placed at your bedside. Beyond the space dedicated to your rest and privacy, most good hosts have also given the rest of the house a deeper clean in preparation for you – including bathrooms (especially if there’s only one that you will have to share with your host/s), kitchens, and outdoor areas if they are lucky enough to have them.

While you are staying in someone’s home, and it’s a bit of a shame that I have to say this, please volunteer to clean up while you are there. This not only shows respect for your host in supporting the maintenance of their home, but it also alleviates the strain on them having to do all of the heavy lifting during your stay. Great times to volunteer to clean are before or after mealtimes, evenings during the house reset hour, or while they’re away at work or doing errands.

On arrival: Ask where cleaning supplies are kept. This is a simple way to signal to your hosts that you intend on helping while there, which will do a lot to set a welcoming energy to your stay.

On departure: This should not have to be said but clean up the space you were using! Do not leave work for your host to do once you leave unless they’ve explicitly stated they don’t want you to lift a finger. Where timing won’t allow for a dedicated cleanup, send your host a gift card for a cleaner to come from a local provider. As a general life rule, you should do your best to leave people and places better than you found them.

The people (and pets) make the place

It’s true everywhere, but especially in homes, that the people who occupy a space breathe life into it. Have you ever been to a close friends’ place when they’re not present? Even if the space is gorgeous, there’s a kind of emptiness that hangs in the air. What makes spending time at someone’s home that you know so enjoyable is them being there.

That said, be respectful of the other people (and other folks that may show up on occasion) that live and spend time in a home. Be cognizant of bathroom times if shared and engage with people’s pets and children. I’d argue you shouldn’t be staying with people who have kids and pets if you don’t like them or can’t tolerate them. If you have difficulty playing with pets and children that occupy a home, it’s probably best to pay for accommodation elsewhere.

Re: kids: In homes where there are small children, they are and should be a top priority. The only priority? No. But a top one for sure. Therefore it is the most thoughtful to offer childcare if/where you can during your stay if the parents are comfortable with it. I know many, many mothers who actually use time when their children are away to do work. Isn’t that kind of crazy, that moms often use “breaks” not for relaxation like the rest of us, but to get more work done? I remember an old friend once asking me to take her bigger kids to the park for a few hours so she, wait for it…could mop the floors. Parents have soooo much on them every single day. If they are kind enough to extend hospitality to you in their home for a stay, the least you can do is volunteer support by happily spending time with the kids.

Re: pets: A pet is honestly like an extra child. In many cases, the pet is preferred to the children lol. I’m only half kidding, but I’ve seen the royal treatment that a lot of these modern pets receive, and so showing up to stay with people who have pets, means making some effort with them too. Volunteer to feed the cat a few evenings or take the dog on a walk occasionally. These small gestures will also go a long way to show you are open to participating in the family unit.

One other note here, and this one is so sensitive but it needs to be said. Especially for heterosexual people because a lot of us don’t know how to act. But if you are the hot, single friend, are you the hot, single friend (?) (this is a great name for a substack btw) – hot single friends weigh in on this subject please in the comments.

But not to be all Mother Mary of Magdalene, but if you’re attractive and staying for a longer period of time in an environment where there are:

a) impressionable young people, particularly those of the opposite sex or there is

b) a partner of the opposite sex with eyes

…BE DECENT in other people’s homes, or as you would hear back home– cover ya ass! Do not come out of the bathroom scantily clad or naked for god’s sake. I don’t care what you do in your home. Show respect to the people who live in a home that is not your own by covering up.

On arrival: bring something small for the kids or pets– like a keychain, a pack of stickers, an age-appropriate book, or a small toy (for the pet, preferably one that doesn’t make noise 🙂)

On departure: Make time to also say farewell to the children (optional to the pets lol), they are people who’ve shared space with you in their home too.

Food isn’t free (especially in the era of inflation and tariffs)

Now. We’re not going there. I’ve heard debates about people charging for dinner parties in private homes and ticketed Thanksgivings and all that. This is not that. This point is included for you to acknowledge that while you’re at someone’s home for a longer stay, there is a cost associated with feeding you. People who are generous with their things and spaces, likely are just as generous with groceries and have definitely planned to include guests in their food expenses.

Even if you are short on cash and can’t afford to contribute financially to groceries – which is a great way to be a pleasant house guest btw– you can volunteer to help with dinner by playing sous chef one night. Upon approval from your host, you could choose a take spot to pick up dinner for the family (and pay if you can). Or in the brokest of life moments, you could offer to cook dinner with what’s already in the fridge. It’s not about monetary compensation for what you consume while staying with people, it’s acknowledgement that costs are rising for everyone and a show of appreciation for your hosts ensuring you’re well-fed during your stay.

On arrival: Ask if you can buy or cook dinner one, or a few nights, depending on the length of your stay. If your cooking sucks, learn how to cook and send them some cash instead.

On departure: Acknowledge in some way that feels low pressure to you– a thank you note, a text, a phone call once you’re back home– that you appreciate the food/meals that were provided for you too.

Workin’ workin’ workin’ day and night

I’m learning that I don’t love having friends stay with me who are on vacation if I’m not. I’m sure this kind of arrangement works if you live at Downton Abbey with staff downstairs. If your guests stay in a completely different wing of your estate and will be tended to by staff, you can keep your scheduled Zoom calls, lunchtime dog walk, and late sync with your West Coast team.

But personally, I prefer having a similar schedule to my guests because otherwise it just feels unfair. I’m up at 4:30a, then to the dog walk at 6:30a, then showered and ready for work by 7:30a, then breakfast at 8a to be logged on by 8:30a. Then to see my friend rolling out of bed at 10:30a— I’ve lived an entire life by that point. With the grueling schedule I have, I wish that I sometimes could be rolling out of bed around 10a too. So, moving forward, I’m personally going to try and sync up schedules to only have friends stay when I have or can request time off work.

If you are visiting the home of adults who have to work, please pay attention to the following:

• Requests/suggestions for late-night weekday activities and hangs. If people have to be up early for Zoom of doom, they probably need a good night’s rest.

• Watching content or talking to others on speaker phone– bring and use your headphones. Even your friends who love you don’t want to hear your private conversations.

• Alcohol or recreational drug use. Yes, people drink, yes people smoke (and do a little more from time to time), all good. It’s not fun to have to hear about or nurse a friend’s hangover in between Teams.

At or before arrival: Ask your host what kind of schedule they will have for the duration of your stay so you (not they) can plan accordingly.

At or after departure: If they were able to take time off thank them for using precious PTO to spend with you.

These reminders apply to being hosted at someone’s home with the owners present and in instances where you are being hosted but also kind of house sitting. If you’re thinking that what’s listed here is a lot to do as a guest in someone’s home, then you’re probably not old enough or mature enough to stay with responsible, adult friends. There are some things that I believe hosts can do too to make guests’ longer stays enjoyable but it wouldn’t be substack if I didn’t intend to write another piece on that. Would you add anything to this list? Sound off in the comments, and as always thank you for reading!

That’s all for now.